I suppose I should start this letter with the obvious...the obvious is, well, I miss you. Not in a curled up on the floor, crying my eyes out kind of missing you. Not even in the I think about you every day kind of missing you. In a totally new kind of missing you that I've never experienced before. In a very longing "I wish we wanted the same things but I'm kind of glad we didn't", kind of missing you.
See, our relationship was different from the start. It was instant. It was sexy, it was passionate, it was intense and wonderful. But it was also fast, trusting, lonely, and scary. It was never...emotional...or ridden with complicated things like feelings. Mostly, because I don't think either of us ever let ourselves recognize or think about the feelings that were happening. But, what I'm saying is that I shouldn't be surprised that the breaking up portion (not even breaking up because that is too strong of a term, ending is a better word) of our relationship, would also be very different.
There were no tears. There wasn't a drunken night. There aren't any break up texts or games being played with each other. In fact, it's unlikely, you will ever even see this letter. But, I wanted to take a minute to thank you for all of the things you gave me and express how the end has left me feeling. Because as great at communicating as we were, I think we forgot to let ourselves feel. So I'm feeling now.
First of all, thank you for the safe place you provided. Thank you for encouraging me to look inside of me. For making me think about what I was doing and saying. For giving me a no judgement place to think, talk about, and explore what I wanted. I know myself so much better through knowing you. That is a true gift.
Thank you for not letting me settle. I know that I certainly gave you the chance to do so. I told you what I wanted, and when what you could give didn't match that, I wanted to say "never mind it's cool, let's do it your way." Because having to start dating again was scary. Thank you for not letting me. Thank you for making me stand up for myself. For giving me the opportunity to say what I wanted and respecting that.
Thank you for showing me a new lifestyle. You go where you want. You work hard. All of the time (something I regularly resented). You don't over plan (something I obviously struggle with). You are by far the most unique individual I have ever had the pleasure of spending time with. I really truly enjoyed it.
Thank you for being honest with me. You are the first man to ever communicate with me in a way I felt was sufficient. You were always 100% honest with me, even when a little sugar coating might have been nice. You were blunt, almost to a fault. And I loved it.
The day I realized we wanted different things, I was sitting in the same coffee shop where we had our first date. At the same table actually. I was trying to study, but too distracted by thoughts of you. I suddenly realized I wasn't fulfilled and happy. I was anxious. I wanted more. I wanted you to want more. But the minute I told you that, we were over. And I knew that. Because I knew you were honest and unafraid. And if you wanted more, you would have already tried to take it. And I didn't want you to be more simply because I asked you to. I didn't want our phone calls to feel like chores to you. Or our dates to have to be mandated. Our relationship was starting to feel like a business deal and it shouldn't have been so much work. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I knew what I wanted in a partner. So thank you for helping me come to that realization.
I want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my world. That your secrets will always be safe with me. And that I will never regret the time we spent together, it will never be tainted with missing you, instead it will be enhanced by all the good things you are and led me to discover. Thank you for being the event in my world that taught me to finally fly. I had the wings, I had done the training, and now I'm soaring.
Gratefully missing you,
-L
For the rest of the world out there, I'm not in anyway minimizing how proud I am of myself by thanking this man for these things. See, we like to pretend we live in an isolated world. But the truth is, our interactions and relationships with all those around us prompt us to figure out who we will be in this world. We are not isolated islands. And while the events and opportunities this relationship provided to me were necessary to my self realizations, I very easily could have chosen to handle them differently. I could have chosen to not stand up for myself. To not see the positives. To go backward instead of forward. To let the negatives outweigh the positives.
And we all face these decisions every day. Do we let an act of Islamic extremism taint our feelings towards all those in the Islamic community or do we choose to let it increase our compassion and love for each other? Do we let the passing of a loved one send us into a spiraling depression or use it as a reminder of how short our time is on Earth and start living our life fuller? Do we let the spilled milk make us cry or do we choose to laugh about the irony of spilling milk? We make these decisions every hour and every day. And we should be grateful for the opportunities to do so. Because, when handled correctly, they can make us become an even better version of ourselves.
SO yes, I am grateful to this past relationship. But I am also so proud of myself, for making the harder decisions to grow. This post isn't even really about my breakup (although that is what prompted it), it's about learning to look at the seemingly negative experiences in life and finding the positives. It's about not letting the fact that something ended ruin all the happy memories you have with it. It's about learning that in order to grow as individuals we must interact with others. Life is a group effort people, don't forget that.
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