Upset after a bad date this weekend that effectively ended yet another three week long relationship, I called my cousin and close friend, "Megan, why do I do this? What is the point? I'm so tired of being disappointed."
Because I am. I am so tired of letting myself get hopeful. Of putting myself out there. Of spending time and energy to wind up hurt, upset, and alone. Again. I'm frustrated and angry. And totally and completely ready to give up. The frustration that comes with dating is a very unique kind of frustration, because it is something that is uniquely reflective on each of us as whole individuals. Being rejected by a potential mate hits us deep within our soul where all of our most secret insecurities live.
When we date, we are putting our whole selves out into the world. Especially in the beginning (which is as far as I've gotten in the last two years so all I can really talk about), we take all of the things we think are best about ourselves. Our cutest outfits, our best conversation topics, our most winning smiles, our wittiest jokes, our most attractive qualities. And we take all of these things, show them off to another person and say "here it is, everything good about me, do you want it in your life?" and more often then not, that question seems to be answered with a resounding, no.
To understand this unique form of frustration, I think we must first understand that as much as intimacy is the goal, it's also the biggest barrier and single most terrifying part of dating.
By this point in our lives, we have all experienced too many things that have caused us to feel the need to protect our hearts and our heads to such an extent that many of us aren't even capable of being emotionally vulnerable. Forget letting someone see us first thing in the morning, letting someone see us at two in the morning after half a bottle of wine and a fight with our best friend, Or even saying the words "I like you" is FAR more terrifying.
And to make matters worse, the invention of internet dating apps has made thousands of single people available to us at our fingertips. So, when we do meet someone, we are reminded that if they aren't perfect, we can have another date within a matter of hours that might be. We have so many options that choosing just one imperfect, flawed human, seems impossible and pointless. It makes real, honest intimacy unnecessary. Because we can have the illusion any time we want.
The common misconception with dating is that, one day, we are going to find someone out there who wants exactly the same thing as us, and if that's not what you experience at first, it must not be meant to be. Or at least this is the excuse we like to use to not make ourselves vulnerable. (especially with so many quick options!) Unless he simultaneously loves watching Fraiser reruns, bold red wines, making fun of each other relentlessly, playing cornhole, the ocean, and the desert, can fit in with my family AND my friends, has similar political and religious beliefs, is cool with the eight year old I spend most of my time with (but doesn't think this means I want to birth their children anytime soon), doesn't mind my nutso schedule, is a planner, is open minded, ultimately wants to live in a city in a studio apartment above a coffee shop, is introverted but also likes people, etc etc, then he's not worth taking the risk.
But the truth is, we all have these lists and unless we somehow learn to get over them and take risks, we are never again going to be able to vulnerable and allow ourselves to grow.
When I got home from my disastrous Friday night I vowed to buy a dog and never date again. Because, even though I hadn't been truly open and vulnerable with my latest three week fling, I was hopeful that maybe soon I could be. And the crushing of that was uncomfortable and hit me in those deeply hidden insecurities.
However, not dating again and letting this latest blow to my ego would be counter productive. because, I suppose the answer to my own question is this, the reason I do this is that intimacy is a necessary part of any person's life. Intimacy, even in the smallest amounts, allows us to learn more about ourselves by letting someone else see us. It lets us feel loved and supported and engaged in this world. It helps us to become better people. And if that's not worth getting hurt for, I don't know what is.
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