I've never been the thin girl. Ever. I remember being in third grade and DREADING the presidential fitness challenge, because I knew, no matter how hard I tried, I'd be one of the last people to finish the mile and when it was my turn to do pull-ups I'd struggle to even do half of one and the whole class would see. I don't tell you this for sympathy, I tell you this because I know there are A LOT of people who can relate to this. We have all felt this insecurity at some point. If you've never felt insecure PLEASE let me know what your secret is because seriously...you should bottle that and sell it.
So needless to say gyms and exercise has always been intimidating to me. Combine that with living on my own and eating super unhealthy and not understanding my own body. I got bigger, and more and more unhealthy. I was sick often. Every little cold germ knocked me flat on my butt.
I wish I could describe to you an exact turning point for me. I wish I could tell you the moment I decided that I'd had enough. But I can't, because that come to jesus moment never came for me. A fancy new gym opened in town, and it took me three months to work up the courage to sign up for it. And another month to decide I didn't HATE going there. It took another month to realize that just because I spent half an hour on a treadmill did not mean I could eat 10 chicken nuggets and a large fry for dinner. And that tub of cookie dough? Yeah that took a couple more weeks to give up.
That day I walked into the gym for the first time? That was four months ago. Since then, I've learned a lot. About food and nutrition. About what my body needs and wants. About exercise. About myself. And I promise I will continue to write about all those things. But, let me tell you about the thing I've learned the most about, working out and eating right and loosing weight and gaining muscle will not magically make you a more self confident person. You will not be magically happier. And even as you hit goals and see improvements, insecurities are real and continue to exist. So here comes a little story about Self-Love.
Let me start with some of my latest transformation pictures. Take note that these pictures are at different angles, and May 10th (when the picture on the left was taken) was already 2 months after the start of my journey.
I'm not posting this here because I want you to tell me how great I look. I'm posting so that you can see the physical changes that have occurred in me.
I am very very near my milestone goal. When I started in March, my goal was to loose my muffin top by my Birthday, September 28th. (Yeah I play the long game, that's how I like it.) I am now nearly there. And I like my body a whole hell of a lot more. But, posting this picture and writing this post. Is not easy. I could point out 20 flaws in that right picture. And they're all about the same as the flaws in the left one.
Here's my point. I don't love the physical appearance of my body anymore now than when I started. I don't look in the mirror like "Damn I'm hot!" Yesterday, I tried on 10 different dresses before deciding I didn't like my appearance in any of them and put on shorts and a tank top instead. I still don't like to wear my hair up, because even though I know my face is thinner, it still looks round to me. I don't like pictures of me laughing, because SO many chins. (Yes, rationally I know everyone has this, emotionally I still can't accept that, but I'm working on it.)
But, that girl in the right picture? She's still wayyyy happier, and a hundred times more comfortable and 10,000 times more confident than the girl on the left and here's why. Because now, I know how much my body can do. I know how much stronger it has gotten. I know my body is getting the nutrition it needs. I haven't had a cold in months. My body is healthier and stronger.
Does that mean I am always totally happy? No. In fact, today I feel bloated and extremely unhappy with my body because yesterday I ate and drank more than I normally would, but it was a holiday and I had a blast, so I'm working on accepting that and loving myself through it.
Here's the thing though guys, we have a tendency as humans to think "If I looked like x" or "when I get to point x" or "when I fit into skirt y" then I'll be confident! Then I will be happy! But what I'm learning is the, that point will never come. We will always want more. There will always be someone skinner and funnier and prettier and with better abs or who can do more pull ups or who has bigger boobs or a more perfect butt. We will never live up to our own version of perfect. And life is too short to spend even another minute of it hating ourselves.
SO yes, make lifestyle changes you want to make. Better your body to make it healthier or even to make it so that you fit into those jeans you haven't fit into in a couple years! Enjoy the heck out of those changes you will see in your body because, dude, you worked hard for those! But please please please try not to base your self worth on those changes. Please join me in working on loving yourself through your transformation, not just at the end of it.
Comments
Post a Comment